1 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:33,480 Jesselnick Offensive, how are you kids doing tonight? 2 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:40,460 Fantastic. We've got another perfect show for you tonight. 3 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,840 Brett Gelman and Andy Kindler are here. 4 00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:53,400 But first, bad news is my business, and this week, business is a -boomin'. 5 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:59,120 Huge story right out of the gate. Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have ended 6 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:00,120 their engagement. 7 00:01:02,670 --> 00:01:05,550 So great news for all you guys out there that love Miley Cyrus. 8 00:01:05,990 --> 00:01:07,390 Liam Hemsworth is available. 9 00:01:10,390 --> 00:01:14,670 Smoke him if you got him. Last week, a man was caught in a grocery store in 10 00:01:14,670 --> 00:01:20,090 California in a bathroom reading a pornographic magazine while smoking 11 00:01:20,090 --> 00:01:25,770 laced with cocaine and being accompanied by a small child. 12 00:01:27,450 --> 00:01:29,970 Police are still baffled. 13 00:01:30,250 --> 00:01:32,570 by what it takes to get this man off. 14 00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:42,470 Don't let this get you down. A company in Pittsburgh has developed a new line 15 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:47,810 dolls called Dolls for Downs that have the same characteristics as children 16 00:01:47,810 --> 00:01:48,810 Down syndrome. 17 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:54,490 The dolls have been very popular, although for some reason people keep 18 00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,490 their orders during the first trimester. 19 00:02:01,390 --> 00:02:05,670 Now, where are my papal lads? The papal conclave has elected their new pope, 20 00:02:05,770 --> 00:02:07,450 Pope Francis from Argentina. 21 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:13,450 He's the first pope ever from South America and the 266th gay pope. 22 00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:18,570 Swing batter batter. 23 00:02:18,850 --> 00:02:24,130 Last week, a little league in Illinois raffled off an AR -15 assault rifle to 24 00:02:24,130 --> 00:02:25,170 raise money for the teams. 25 00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:30,590 Great news if your favorite part of baseball is watching kids get picked 26 00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:38,910 Now, I don't know what to think about this one. Last week, Taylor Swift 27 00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:43,590 by a Nebraska hospital to pay a visit to one of her biggest fans, a 10 -year 28 00:02:43,590 --> 00:02:44,590 -old cancer patient. 29 00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:48,250 The little girl was thrilled to meet her idol in person and says it's something 30 00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:50,410 she'll remember for as short as she lives. 31 00:02:52,890 --> 00:02:55,490 That was a great monologue. 32 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:03,740 I said it was a great monologue. 33 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,720 That was the president. 34 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:16,360 Kids, last week, the supreme leader of North Korea, Kim Jong -un, threatened to 35 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,060 drop a nuclear bomb on the United States. 36 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,740 But not all Asians are nuclear dangerous. 37 00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:22,820 Some of them are just karate dangerous. 38 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,500 So how do you tell the difference? 39 00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:30,880 Practice. With the Jesselnik Offensive audience game, which kind of Asian is 40 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:31,880 this? 41 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,880 our contestants will be playing for tonight. 42 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,740 Pretty special stuff. 43 00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:47,000 All right, let's have our first contestant come on up here. 44 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,480 How you doing, buddy? 45 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,040 Thanks for joining me. What is your name? My name is Randall. Your name is 46 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,920 Randall. What do you do, Randall? I am a student. 47 00:03:56,140 --> 00:03:58,920 Where? I go to school in Tampa, USF. 48 00:03:59,180 --> 00:04:00,460 Tampa, USF. Wow. 49 00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:04,120 Congratulations on getting into your safety school. 50 00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:10,460 Now, Randall, you might recognize this next nationality from either the 51 00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:12,440 or your last traffic accident. 52 00:04:14,740 --> 00:04:17,420 Randall, which kind of Asian is this? I'll give you a hint. 53 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:18,920 Dog. 54 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,800 I'm going to go with Korean. Korean. 55 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,520 I was looking for Indonesian. 56 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,300 Better luck next time you do something racist. Thank you for playing. 57 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,300 So my next contestant, come on out here. 58 00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:40,220 Hey, look at this. 59 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,460 Thank you for playing. What is your name? 60 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:45,599 My name's Tina. 61 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,600 Hell yeah, it is. 62 00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:51,260 Tina, what do you do? I'm a flight attendant. You're a flight attendant. 63 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:52,760 couldn't hack it as a pilot, huh? 64 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,300 No, I couldn't. Oh, too bad. 65 00:04:55,060 --> 00:05:00,730 Tina. I'm going to ask you to open your eyes as wide as you can and tell me 66 00:05:00,730 --> 00:05:02,750 which kind of Asian is this. 67 00:05:03,430 --> 00:05:05,010 It's a tough one. I'll give you a little help. 68 00:05:05,510 --> 00:05:06,850 Dog fried rice. 69 00:05:10,090 --> 00:05:11,390 Chinese? Chinese. 70 00:05:13,990 --> 00:05:18,150 Oh, you have brought great shame to your family. I'm sorry. 71 00:05:18,450 --> 00:05:23,770 I was looking for Laotian or Laotian. 72 00:05:24,530 --> 00:05:26,310 Pronounced either way, both are incorrect. 73 00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:29,470 Thank you for playing. Thank you. 74 00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:32,470 Let's bring up our final contestant. 75 00:05:37,210 --> 00:05:42,050 Thank you for playing. 76 00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:45,410 What is your name? 77 00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:49,070 Jonathan. Jonathan, and what do you do? I'm a movie critic. A movie critic? Oh, 78 00:05:49,130 --> 00:05:50,130 we need more of those. 79 00:05:51,110 --> 00:05:53,310 What's the name of your blog? 80 00:05:55,970 --> 00:05:58,890 I'm on a radio station and also on a Huffington Post. 81 00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:01,770 Oh, Huffington Post and a radio station. Do you get paid for either one? 82 00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,010 A little from YouTube. 83 00:06:05,390 --> 00:06:06,390 Okay, a little from YouTube. 84 00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:07,710 I don't believe that either. 85 00:06:08,130 --> 00:06:09,130 Okay, 86 00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:13,390 Jonathan, this is a lot of pressure on you. I know. But nothing compared to 87 00:06:13,390 --> 00:06:14,810 you've gotten from your parents, I'm sure. 88 00:06:18,690 --> 00:06:21,890 Jonathan, tell me, which kind of Asian is this? 89 00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:27,100 The worst kind. 90 00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:33,120 Mickey Rooney. That is Mickey Rooney, but what kind of Asian is he portraying? 91 00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:35,620 Japanese. Japanese? 92 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,020 Oh, I'm sorry. 93 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,120 I was looking for Oriental. 94 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,420 Mickey Rooney is portraying an Oriental. 95 00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:49,860 I'll tell you what I'll do. 96 00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:54,390 If you can tell me the movie. I'll give you the prize anyway. 97 00:06:54,630 --> 00:06:58,230 Breakfast at Tiffany's. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Thank you very much. Thank 98 00:06:58,230 --> 00:06:59,230 Jonathan, for playing. 99 00:07:01,030 --> 00:07:02,910 Big thank you to all our contestants. 100 00:07:03,490 --> 00:07:07,210 I hope everybody learned a little something about cultures and how best to 101 00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:09,910 them. We'll be right back with Brett Gelman and Andy Timmer. 102 00:07:25,849 --> 00:07:30,030 Welcome back to the Jesselnik Offensive. I know I've been offending a lot of 103 00:07:30,030 --> 00:07:32,830 different types of people on my show. But I want you to know, before you 104 00:07:32,830 --> 00:07:37,690 complain, I have one of the most diverse staff in all of television. So I'd like 105 00:07:37,690 --> 00:07:41,310 to introduce some of them right now with the Jesselnik Offensive diversity roll 106 00:07:41,310 --> 00:07:42,310 call. 107 00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:47,770 Chinese Andrew. 108 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,290 Guy I confused for Chinese Andrew. 109 00:07:52,590 --> 00:07:53,590 Black Steve. 110 00:07:54,180 --> 00:07:55,180 Steve. 111 00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:57,620 Me. 112 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,780 Abusive Relationship Janice. 113 00:08:02,660 --> 00:08:04,500 Abusive Relationship Damon. 114 00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:07,680 Donnie Wooden Spoons for Arms. 115 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:11,740 Surviving Siamese Twin Samantha. 116 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,260 And Jazzy Jennifer. 117 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:16,740 Birthday Cake. 118 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,260 for everybody's favorite part of the show, the part where I introduce the 119 00:08:27,420 --> 00:08:28,420 It's time for panel. 120 00:08:28,820 --> 00:08:32,600 Please welcome frequent guest and correspondent for The Late Show with 121 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:39,400 Letterman and the voice of Mort on Bob's Burgers, Andy Kindler. And the best 122 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:45,480 comedian and actor that has or ever will do this show, or so he tells me, from 123 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,480 NBC's Go On and Adult Swim's Eagle Heart, Brett Gelman. 124 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:03,160 comedy should know that we've a lot in common. We're both always talking about 125 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:08,200 Hitler. That's right. Of course, I told you the pro -Hitler jokes would not go 126 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,580 over, but that's what you do. 127 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:14,480 But you have a general Aryan vibe to you. 128 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,520 Hitler just seems like a bro. 129 00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:21,200 Did you know that Hitler used to refer to his enemies as haters? 130 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:22,840 No. 131 00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:24,940 I knew that. I knew that. 132 00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:30,450 Now, Brett, it says here that you used to eat an entire brick of cheese in one 133 00:09:30,450 --> 00:09:31,750 sitting when you were a kid? Yeah. 134 00:09:31,970 --> 00:09:33,110 How did that work out for you? 135 00:09:33,770 --> 00:09:36,590 Terrible, terrible. I would get so constipated. I'd be on the toilet for 136 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,030 My mother would read bedtime stories to me. 137 00:09:40,450 --> 00:09:44,750 She'd be like, good night, moon. Put your head between your legs. It'll come 138 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:45,750 faster. 139 00:09:46,350 --> 00:09:49,570 You know, like that type of thing. Sounds like she was a great mom, but not 140 00:09:49,570 --> 00:09:50,570 of a dietician. 141 00:09:51,330 --> 00:09:53,150 I used to eat bricks when I was a kid. 142 00:09:53,670 --> 00:09:54,750 Boom! Huh? 143 00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:02,610 We make fun of a product that's new and unfamiliar to us. 144 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,690 Lay lady latex. 145 00:10:05,510 --> 00:10:09,530 Brazil's top sex toy company is letting men bid for the chance to take the 146 00:10:09,530 --> 00:10:14,330 virginity of the country's first locally made real doll. And the bidding is up 147 00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:16,150 to $100 ,000. 148 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:20,650 It's like that old saying, why buy the cow when you can lease it for the price 149 00:10:20,650 --> 00:10:21,650 of a house? 150 00:10:23,030 --> 00:10:27,190 Is there a chance of there being treasure inside the doll? 151 00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:31,340 No, but you know it's a virgin because the styrofoam peanuts are still in 152 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,520 If I had a doll for every woman I've slept with who had styrofoam peanuts in 153 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,100 her. How much money would you have? 154 00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:43,020 I don't know, but I've heard that that's a good premise. 155 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,900 This is not really happening. People are bidding to see if this is happening. 156 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,900 They're not even buying the doll. They're bidding the right to take its 157 00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:56,500 virginity. And then some other lucky guy gets to buy the doll later. 158 00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:02,220 Let's move on to the classic game, Brazilian sex doll or Kenmore 159 00:11:03,820 --> 00:11:05,820 I'm going to give you guys a product feature. 160 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,540 You tell me if it's a feature of the Brazilian sex doll or of a Kenmore 161 00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:15,620 dishwasher. Ready? First feature, oversized rack to accommodate large 162 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,580 Kenmore dishwasher or Brazilian sex doll? 163 00:11:18,860 --> 00:11:19,860 Kenmore dishwasher. 164 00:11:20,260 --> 00:11:24,340 Yeah. Nobody who's having sex with that doll has... 165 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,420 a penis that they're not ashamed of. 166 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:34,780 And the answer is... 10 more dishwasher. 167 00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:37,240 Nice. Nice. 168 00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:42,320 Okay. Up next is a tricky one. 169 00:11:42,540 --> 00:11:49,100 Designed for large loads, but forcing something to fit may void the warranty. 170 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:52,820 Resilient sex doll or 10 more dishwasher? 171 00:11:54,000 --> 00:12:00,900 It's a tough one. I'm going to say Brazilian sex doll because I'm sure that 172 00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:04,460 of those perverts are going to sneak a deuce or two inside of you. 173 00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:08,740 Is that ugly? 174 00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:10,400 No. Is that bad? 175 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,700 I think it's a thinker for the audience at home. I think it's true. 176 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,380 I think if you're having sex with that doll, you're definitely shitting in it. 177 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,340 I would like to go. 178 00:12:22,210 --> 00:12:25,910 With whatever he didn't say, because his answer sickens me. 179 00:12:27,570 --> 00:12:28,670 Let's see what the answer is. 180 00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:30,270 Sex doll. 181 00:12:30,490 --> 00:12:31,510 Is that the doll? 182 00:12:31,870 --> 00:12:33,350 That is the doll. Oh! No! 183 00:12:35,430 --> 00:12:39,370 I didn't know that we were dealing with this. 184 00:12:40,130 --> 00:12:43,610 She's pretty hot, right? Did you see her in Silver Linings Playbook? 185 00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:49,390 Next option. Makes noise when you have sex with it. 186 00:12:50,949 --> 00:12:52,570 Resilient sex doll or Kenmore dishwasher? 187 00:12:52,870 --> 00:12:54,690 Andy, you look like you want to jump all over this one. 188 00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,590 I, in college. 189 00:12:58,570 --> 00:12:59,570 Okay. 190 00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:01,590 Take me back, Andy. 191 00:13:02,130 --> 00:13:04,970 A couple of times, we did have sex with the dishwasher. 192 00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,790 And his name was Lupe! 193 00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:14,270 I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm 194 00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:15,270 saying. 195 00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:16,600 I'll go with the dishwasher. 196 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,940 Dishwasher, right? I think it's the dishwasher, but I think that there 197 00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:25,980 a voice feature on the doll that while you're having sex with it, it says, oh 198 00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:30,760 yeah, baby, give it to me, daddy, and you're making a psychologically altering 199 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:31,760 mistake. 200 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:37,480 I'm giving a lot of thought. The answer is both. 201 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:38,720 It's a tie. 202 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:43,920 Does she always look like that? Does she always have that look? 203 00:13:45,290 --> 00:13:47,850 And that was something that went on way too long. 204 00:13:49,510 --> 00:13:53,670 Up next is for the ladies. We look down through the glass ceiling at our stories 205 00:13:53,670 --> 00:13:54,670 for women. 206 00:13:55,190 --> 00:13:58,470 Who wants two tickets to the gun show? Your mother. 207 00:13:58,690 --> 00:13:59,690 That's who. 208 00:13:59,850 --> 00:14:03,790 A new study shows the fastest growing group of gun owners in the U .S. are 209 00:14:03,790 --> 00:14:07,230 women. I think it's great that more women are taking the initiative to 210 00:14:07,230 --> 00:14:08,430 accidentally shoot themselves. 211 00:14:09,730 --> 00:14:11,730 Um, yeah, you know. 212 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:16,920 I knew he'd score. 213 00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:18,380 No. 214 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,580 They're getting guns. 215 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,360 They already got our guns. 216 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,280 You know what I'm saying, fellas? 217 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:26,680 Bang. 218 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,180 I'm a pig. I'm talking about my penis. 219 00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:31,700 Okay. Oh, okay. 220 00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:35,140 One thing you have to worry about, though, is they probably won't use the 221 00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:38,620 because they won't be able to find it in their purse. Am I right? 222 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,880 Who's with me? 223 00:14:41,140 --> 00:14:42,680 You are right. Hey, hey. 224 00:14:43,580 --> 00:14:44,620 You always... 225 00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:48,930 You notice how guys, they always have to ask, and they want to ask for 226 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:52,130 directions, guys, you notice that? And women always shoot you in the eye. 227 00:14:53,290 --> 00:14:56,370 I think it's cool that we can stop worrying about concealed weapons, 228 00:14:56,370 --> 00:14:57,790 know women can't keep a secret. 229 00:14:59,450 --> 00:15:00,450 They don't need them. 230 00:15:00,630 --> 00:15:04,890 They already got their jibber -jabber -yappers, am I right, fella? They'll 231 00:15:04,890 --> 00:15:09,010 you with the nagging! With the constant nagging! 232 00:15:09,350 --> 00:15:10,970 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! 233 00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:12,610 You'll never do this! 234 00:15:14,970 --> 00:15:16,210 What's wrong with you? 235 00:15:17,010 --> 00:15:19,050 Seriously, though. Can I be serious for one second? 236 00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:21,150 I want to be serious for one second. 237 00:15:22,150 --> 00:15:26,190 I really believe that women should have the right to have a gun, but if they 238 00:15:26,190 --> 00:15:29,330 have that right, they have to give up another right. Voting, whatever they 239 00:15:31,150 --> 00:15:34,290 Put that panel on your mantle. We'll be right back with more panel. 240 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,800 Welcome back. 241 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,400 Should we leave you thirsting for more panel? Well, get ready to drink deep 242 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,540 the cup of more panel. It's more panel. 243 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:01,340 And now for our segment, Culture Clubbing, where we take a baseball bat 244 00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:03,300 China shop of human intellectual achievement. 245 00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:05,680 Give me my refund in singles. 246 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,640 Jim Jones and The Game are joining other rappers in declaring strip club 247 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,400 expenses as tax deductions. 248 00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:17,080 This will be a real boon for that one rapper who did his taxes once. 249 00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:24,520 Well, I don't know what Jim Jones is, but this is the best work he's done 250 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,800 Jonestown, right? 251 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:27,500 Too soon? 252 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:28,459 Too late? 253 00:16:28,460 --> 00:16:29,460 Are you not a hip -hop fan? 254 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,240 What are you, drinking the Kool -Aid? 255 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:38,400 I've heard, this is true though, no, no, I heard this, I heard this, that a lot 256 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,940 of rappers, they can make a lot of deductions under the heading 257 00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:42,940 bling. 258 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,480 The 2106, 2106 form. 259 00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:48,160 Fred, try to get a word in edgewise. 260 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,940 No, they got a new thing. Instead of a lap dance, they're doing this new thing 261 00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:57,540 called a tax dance, which is the same thing as a lap dance, only your 262 00:16:57,540 --> 00:17:01,260 accountant's sitting right next to you, and he's saying, this is a really good 263 00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:02,260 idea. 264 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,280 What's, like, the weirdest tax write -off that you guys do as comedians? 265 00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:09,980 I deduct all food all the time. Why not, right? Give it a shot. 266 00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:11,359 Yeah, that's illegal. 267 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,540 Also, I make up a lot of stuff. 268 00:17:15,550 --> 00:17:17,589 Yeah. Computer, $50 ,000. 269 00:17:19,109 --> 00:17:22,550 Do you have an accent all the time? Yeah, computer. I do it as a New York 270 00:17:22,589 --> 00:17:26,550 Hey! When the IRS calls me, I go, yeah, yeah, that was for a computer. 271 00:17:28,410 --> 00:17:29,910 I deducted hair plugs. 272 00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:32,310 Mine. 273 00:17:32,810 --> 00:17:34,530 Huh? Very good. 274 00:17:34,770 --> 00:17:37,810 Not that good. But I was going to say, I'm being audited. 275 00:17:38,330 --> 00:17:39,330 Oh, 276 00:17:41,910 --> 00:17:43,670 I think. 277 00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:48,580 It's time to put your baby in the dryer and turn it on high. 278 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,020 It's defending your tweet. 279 00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:53,620 You tweet it, and I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of all 280 00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:54,519 these people. 281 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,600 Andy Kindler. On March 12th, you tweeted the following. 282 00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:02,780 I don't want to live in a world where the reference 1910 Fruit Gum Company is 283 00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:05,420 not met with howls of laughter and nudging elbows. 284 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:08,820 Andy, defend that tweet. 285 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,480 Feel free to go word by word. 286 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,000 Uh, well, look, they laughed, right? 287 00:18:16,209 --> 00:18:19,330 Why do the kids today do not respect references? 288 00:18:20,370 --> 00:18:21,670 They don't know the references. 289 00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:27,030 I mean, they can't find Iraq on a map. That's fine with me. But I want to be 290 00:18:27,030 --> 00:18:31,830 able to stay in a club. Hey, look at this. It was Gary Puck in the Union Gaps 291 00:18:31,830 --> 00:18:32,830 over here. Boom! 292 00:18:33,490 --> 00:18:36,270 What do you think? What do I look like, a member of Every Mother's Son? 293 00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,150 That's what I want. 294 00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:41,330 Now, Brett. Yeah. 295 00:18:41,710 --> 00:18:46,700 On September 4th, you tweeted, If my ass wanted to be kissed, it wouldn't be 296 00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:47,700 shitting all the time. 297 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,780 Greg Gellman, defend your tweet. 298 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,160 That was a lie. 299 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,480 I love compliments. 300 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,660 And I haven't taken a decent BM in three weeks! 301 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,860 I don't have a problem with your joke. It was a look of pride on your face. 302 00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:16,520 It means that I'm older and I'm more mature. 303 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,300 Guys, thank you so much for being here tonight. 304 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:25,380 Catch Andy appearing at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas, April 305 00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:30,160 24th through 27th. And watch Brett and go on Tuesdays at 9 on NBC. 306 00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:32,200 We'll be right back with more show. 307 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:53,010 Thanks again to Andy Kindler and Brett Gelman. Also get tickets for my new 308 00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:57,590 spring tour at anthonyjeselnik .com and follow me on Twitter at anthonyjeselnik. 309 00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:02,190 Also at the show blog at cc .com slash jeselnik. We'll see you next week, but 310 00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:05,510 before I go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show. 311 00:20:07,550 --> 00:20:13,510 Oh, I want a girl just like the girl who made... 312 00:20:21,770 --> 00:20:25,130 Okay, I'm the bad guy now? I guess you got a good deal on acrylic. 313 00:20:25,430 --> 00:20:26,229 Here's something. 314 00:20:26,230 --> 00:20:27,910 I don't agree with you, Anthony. 315 00:20:28,330 --> 00:20:30,070 Anthony. What are you, an Italian guy? 316 00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:31,830 Why are you saying things? 317 00:20:32,150 --> 00:20:34,730 Why? And wherefore? If not me, then who? 318 00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:36,350 If not now, then when? 319 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,210 If not this direction, then that direction. 320 00:20:39,490 --> 00:20:44,470 When I open my eyes like this, Anthony, it would be good if I had something to 321 00:20:44,470 --> 00:20:45,510 say that made a point. 322 00:20:45,790 --> 00:20:47,530 That's it. I can't take it. 323 00:20:52,940 --> 00:20:54,820 Good night, kids. Go read a book. 324 00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:11,200 And lo, the blood of the Christian babies was drunk, thus prolonging the 325 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,380 of the elders of Zion. 326 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,280 And that was the story of Passover. 327 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:16,920 L 'chaim! 328 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,800 And may your tuchus be as long as your smiths.